Once upon a time, there was a self-declared snack elitist who proclaimed Annie's Mac and Cheese to be the best mac and cheese, ever. He coined a catchphrase for the occasion -- the "Annie's Trinity". But we who live in the real world recognize Snackblog's cheap macaroni iconography for what it is.
His Snack Majesty and his orgo-eating sheep got it wrong. If there's one thing you can't be elitist about, it's mac and cheese. Every real kid knows only one mac reigns supreme, and it's manifest in the name: The Cheesiest.
Kraft is the original, the cheesiest, the best. A child's innocence is to be valued, to be cherished. Kids give it to you straight. I gave a panel of four-year-olds a blind taste test, and you know what they said about Annie's?
They said it was sh*t. There's no getting around it. Straight up, they told me it was poop!
They were right.
#1: The Cheese. Snackblog called them "cheese explosions." More like earthen goo globs. You can always count on Kraft to be smooth and delicious. I've heard some complain about the color. It's orange. So what! So is cheddar. It doesn't taste like cheddar? Who cares, it tastes like buttery goodness.
#2: The shells. I don't like how the shells suction together like some sort of arthropod appendage.
Real kids love Kraft mac and cheese. These kids with the Annie's? These are the kids whose parents don't believe in TV and soda. Their parents are the hypocritical motherf*ckers that bring canvas bags to Trader Joes to put their thrice-plasti-packaged pre-cut produce in. The families with their matching, monogrammed Land's End jackets. Sitting down to have some Annie's. They probably made your mother feel like less of a parent at some PTA meeting. She doesn't deserve that. They claim their all-natural macaroni is far superior -- forgetting that it is still...just...mac and cheese.
I haven't looked at the nutritional facts, but I bet you anything Kraft is not significantly more unhealthy than any other. I know for a fact it has more calcium! Annie's wannabe earth-savvy assclowns exist in a delusional realm. Annie is over on her farm in Connecticut, and you know who's running the show? A bunny. The bunny is in charge of PR. Look at the comments on the Annie's post.
And then there's the other audience. The college student, who touts his sophistication, all the while still desiring the unrefined snack indulgences of his youth. He tries to justify his lapse with words like 'natural' and 'organic', as if that somehow makes it more advanced.
Despite everything, I would still gladly eat a bowl of Annie's were it in front of me. But for half the price, I'm going to stick with the original.
Home of the free, the brave, the Cheesiest.
Where to find this:
America.
Boards of Canada - Oscar See Through Red Eye
2 comments:
I cannot believe this. I have not read so much pure and utter ignorance since the time I looked through a pre-emancipation book on "Modern Human Evolution." Alex, first of all, I wish I never made you into an SnackBlog writer. Secondly, I wish you were never born.
What a piece of drivel!
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