Annie's, Revisited

Written by Alex

Once upon a time, there was a self-declared snack elitist who proclaimed Annie's Mac and Cheese to be the best mac and cheese, ever. He coined a catchphrase for the occasion -- the "Annie's Trinity". But we who live in the real world recognize Snackblog's cheap macaroni iconography for what it is.

His Snack Majesty and his orgo-eating sheep got it wrong. If there's one thing you can't be elitist about, it's mac and cheese. Every real kid knows only one mac reigns supreme, and it's manifest in the name: The Cheesiest.

Kraft is the original, the cheesiest, the best. A child's innocence is to be valued, to be cherished. Kids give it to you straight. I gave a panel of four-year-olds a blind taste test, and you know what they said about Annie's?

They said it was sh*t. There's no getting around it. Straight up, they told me it was poop!





They were right.

#1: The Cheese. Snackblog called them "cheese explosions." More like earthen goo globs. You can always count on Kraft to be smooth and delicious. I've heard some complain about the color. It's orange. So what! So is cheddar. It doesn't taste like cheddar? Who cares, it tastes like buttery goodness.

#2: The shells. I don't like how the shells suction together like some sort of arthropod appendage.

Real kids love Kraft mac and cheese. These kids with the Annie's? These are the kids whose parents don't believe in TV and soda. Their parents are the hypocritical motherf*ckers that bring canvas bags to Trader Joes to put their thrice-plasti-packaged pre-cut produce in. The families with their matching, monogrammed Land's End jackets. Sitting down to have some Annie's. They probably made your mother feel like less of a parent at some PTA meeting. She doesn't deserve that. They claim their all-natural macaroni is far superior -- forgetting that it is still...just...mac and cheese.

I haven't looked at the nutritional facts, but I bet you anything Kraft is not significantly more unhealthy than any other. I know for a fact it has more calcium! Annie's wannabe earth-savvy assclowns exist in a delusional realm. Annie is over on her farm in Connecticut, and you know who's running the show? A bunny. The bunny is in charge of PR. Look at the comments on the Annie's post.

And then there's the other audience. The college student, who touts his sophistication, all the while still desiring the unrefined snack indulgences of his youth. He tries to justify his lapse with words like 'natural' and 'organic', as if that somehow makes it more advanced.

Despite everything, I would still gladly eat a bowl of Annie's were it in front of me. But for half the price, I'm going to stick with the original.


Home of the free, the brave, the Cheesiest.


Where to find this:
America.


Boards of Canada - Oscar See Through Red Eye

The Black Cherry Gamble

Written by Snackblog

Generally, when I think of a black cherry soda, bile starts to build up in the back of my throat -- a sort of Pavlov’s Dog’s reaction to the overly saccharine and syrupy taste that’s in nearly every black cherry beverage. I don’t understand why this should occurs. Isn’t there someone at the soda design labs who decides on whether a soda is disgustingly sweet, or not? It shouldn’t really take much skill to realize when things are terrible. If someone’s hand were on fire, that person would probably say something like, “Wow, my hand is on fire. This hurts.” Likewise, when someone gets bitten by a snake, they would probably say something like, “Man, I just got bit by a snake. How unpleasant.” So I don’t understand why there isn’t at least one normal, minimum-wage employee who will grade each soda flavor as: A. satisfactory, or B. Idiots, why did you add this much sweetener?

So, now that you understand my view of the average black cherry soda, you must realize how big of a gamble it was for me to grab Boylan's Natural Black Cherry Soda off of the aisle. There was a Steaz Orange waiting for me, positioned at the perfect level for me to comfortably grab, it’s vivid orange reminding me of the clean, fruity flavor contained within it. And then to the right of it, there was a Hansen’s Signature Sarsaparilla Soda. It was curiously distanced away from the other beverages, as if it purposely stood out to say, “Drink me! You loved my Orange Cream brethren, and I can assure you that you will love me the same!” But no, instead, I decided to get my snack on in a very reckless fashion this afternoon, and I grabbed this black cherry beverage.


I must say that it was a risk definitely worth taking. This is the kind of soda that one will want whether thirsty or not. Upon drinking it, I just wanted to keep on sipping it, and sipping it, not out of any physical desire for sustenance, but just for it’s amazing flavor. Right when it hits your mouth, you get that traditional black cherry soda flavor, but much more natural tasting and pleasant. After the initial contact, you begin to taste the vanilla that makes the flavor even richer. And upon swallowing, the taste almost reminds me of a cherry cola, with a definitely sweet, but still very clean aftertaste. Although the cherry flavor dominates, when I am leisurely sipping the drink, not paying too much attention to the flavor, it almost tastes like a sweet fruit cola. I do not think that this is a bad trait, as it adds complexity and an original character to a soda flavor that is usually simplistic and bland.

This soda is easily within my top 5, and after I try a few more black cherry sodas, I just might give this the title of, “The Best Cherry Soda”. It’s a very good candidate for the title at this point, and I think Boylan Bottling Company should be very proud of their creation.

Also, when trying to find this soda, please remember that this is Boylan’s Natural Black Cherry Soda. The ingredients list of Boylan’s Natural line and their normal Bottleworks line differ quite considerably, and although I have not done a side-by-side comparison, I’m willing to bet that the Natural line tastes considerably better.

Reckless.


Where to find this beverage:
- Trader Joe's or other nice grocery stores
- Cosco


Amon Tobin - Get Your Snack On